Dealing With A Loving Heart

I am a mother of four children.  I want to talk about them individually for a moment so that our overall family structure becomes more clear.  That is my hope anyway. 

The oldest is my husband's daughter who is now 19 years old and is from his first marriage (which tests my loving heart at times).  She has been diagnosed with BiPolar Disorder and ADHD.  These diagnoses came at age eight.  Though my step-daughter no longer lives with us, we are still loving hearts.  This is not always an easy task, for far too many reasons to list.

My oldest son who is now 12 years old has received diagnoses for BiPolar Disorder, Autism Spectrum Disorder manifesting as Asperger’s Syndrome, and ADHD.  He was first diagnosed at age nine.  We have dealt with several issues from having to go into a behavioral hospital, to doing chores without a meltdown or deciding if we want to medicate the ADHD and risk the mood swings of the BiPolar to get out of control.

My second son is six years old and has received diagnoses for  Autism Spectrum Disorder manifesting as Asperger’s Syndrome, ADHD, a developmental delay as well as a mild retardation.  He was diagnosed at age three.  Right now we don't have too many issues with him, as he is the 'go with the flow' type of child.

My husband and I just adopted our youngest son who is now 3-months old.  He has no diagnoses at this time.  We love him like our own and are working with our older boys to accept and love him as well. This is a fairly easy task for them because we have talked about him since before he was born and he is just too cute not to love.

That is how our family looks on paper and believe me in person we can be VERY chaotic and scary to look at.

There are days when I really ask myself if I am strong enough to be the mother of my sons.  Some days I feel like a failure and wonder what I did wrong.  Was it something I did while I was pregnant, or maybe it was something I did not do?  Then I talk to my son’s counselor and she reminds me that I am not the only one struggling.  My boys struggle, too!  It is not easy for them, they want to be loved and to show me that they love me, but we all are lost as to how best to accomplish this.  I talk to my friends and they also remind me to look at the good days - the days when my boys want me to give them hugs and allow me to show them that I do, indeed, love them. 

More than once I have been asked how I do it?  How do I go each day with screams in the face because the six year old had to wash his hands, or be told "I HATE you!  I want to run away and die!" because the 12 year old was asked to empty the dishwasher.  The truth is, I don't know, I just do.  I put one foot in front of the other and cross one bridge at a time.  My husband and I stay closely involved with the teachers, counselors, PSR workers, and doctors that are on what I call, The Team.  Together we help each other help my boys.

It is not always an easy job of being a loving heart.  The good days certainly do outweigh the bad.  You need to have plenty of people around you to remind you of your own self-worth so that when those bad days do come around, and trust me, they will, you will have the strength to remember you have a loving heart.  On more than one occasion I have been told by others, "It takes a special kind of person to be a mother of a special needs child and the Lord must think you are even more special because you have two."  All in all I take one day, one meltdown at a time and stay active in the upbringing of my boys.

I love my gifted minds and love being a loving heart.  I just need to be reminded of whom and what I choose to love sometimes. 

Light it up BLUE

On April 2 my family and I will being joining - what is hoped to be the world - in lighting it up BLUE.

What does this mean exactly?

Well, www.AutisimSpeaks.org for the third year is hosting an Autisim awareness function where you place a blue light bulb in an outlet in your home and make sure it is on on the 2nd of April. There has been a lot of turn out in the previous years across the world for support and this year my family will be joining.

Helping Your Extended Family Understand Your 'Special' Child

When my oldest was eighteen months old we were in a local super center doing some shopping.  An elderly couple was not far from us and could hear the tantrum my son was having.  At this point my husband and I did not know that he had Asperger’s Syndrome or bi-polar disorder.  

The couple hearing his tantrum said something to the effect of, “Oh, my gosh.  How can those parents just let him act that way?   It is no way for a four year old to act.  They need to just spank him.”  My oldest has always looked older than he is; he is ten now and stands five feet three inches tall.  I turned to the lady and said, “I heard every word you just said.  I find it beyond offensive that you think that my almost two year old should behave any different.  It is wrong of you to pass judgment on him when you don’t even know him.”  She was shocked that he was so young, even asked to see proof, and expressed that she felt ashamed.

This is just one example of the misunderstanding people have of children that they don’t take care of.  The Mayo Clinic describes it best like this; Asperger's syndrome can be a difficult, lonely disorder — both for affected children and their parents. The disorder brings difficulties socializing and communicating with your child. It may also mean fewer play dates and birthday invitations and more stares at the grocery store from people who don't understand that a child's meltdown is part of a disability, not the result of "bad parenting." (Staff, 2010)

I, myself, have seen this misunderstanding in my extended family as well.  My boys are two of four boys that are being treated for Asperger’s Syndrome.  Not all of the family has shown an interest in knowing how to interact or understand these children.  The Mayo Clinic has this to say about how you can help others help your child, Most children with Asperger's syndrome have no visible sign of disability, so you may need to alert coaches, relatives and other adults to your child's special needs. Otherwise, a well-meaning coach may spend time lecturing your child on "looking at me while I'm talking" — something that can be very difficult for a child with Asperger's syndrome. (Staff, 2010)

Most importantly is to always remember that you are the voice and advocate for your child.  The more you know about their special needs the better you are at teaching others to understand them.  For instance, most children when they see another child get hurt they ask if they are okay and then get help.  Not an Asperger’s child, that notion never enters their mind that there could be a problem or a need for an emergency.  I remember when my oldest was younger and we were at a family camp out, he was playing near the adults with his cousin and the cousin’s dog.  His cousin ended up wrapping the dog’s plastic coated wire lead around his neck.  My son had enough thought to put his fingers between the lead and his cousin’s neck but neither boy thought that this could be a bad idea.  There were adults that saw what was going on and were able to get to the boys before anyone got hurt but, the lecture that was given afterwards was lost on the boys and we really didn’t know why at the time.  Now we know that both boys have Asperger’s Syndrome.

I have learned to be more objective when it comes to kids I see at the grocery store, church, playground, etc.  One of those kids might have a hidden issue that I don’t know about.  Knowing what I know about how I felt when judgment was passed on my son, and knowing that he has hidden issues, the last thing I want is to be like that elderly lady in the super center all those years ago.  Sometimes it is not the parents fault.  Be kind and understanding, because let’s face it, we don’t always know the situation.

Staff, M. C. (2010, Nov 18). Asperger's Syndrome: Coping and Support. Retrieved from Mayo Clinic: http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/aspergers-syndrome/DS00551/DSECTION=coping-and-support