J is for JIGSAW

Some of my fondest memories of the Christmas and Winter time of the year are doing JIGSAWS with my mom.  We would clear one end of you huge dining room table and pull out a puzzle of at least 1,000 pieces, usually more.  My older brother and I would play a game with the pieces as the JIGSAW got closer to being finished.  We would take one piece and put it in our pocket so that when my mom would be ready to put that last piece in she would be frantic looking for it, and even go so far as to blame the cat for eating it.  We would then casually walk up and place the last piece in.

It became a tradition to work the JIGSAWS on cold days with a cup of hot cocoa for the kids and coffee for the adults.  My mom didn't know that these would be some of my fondest memories or that she was helping me to learn problem solving skills, fine motor skills, and logic.  Skills that would help me be able to connect to my children in a way that teaches them the same skills that I find enjoyable.  Too many toys today or even ways to learn, involve game systems or solidarity.  Working a JIGSAW is a way to interact with children and talk with them giving them the added socialization that many Aspergian and other Gifted Minds so desperately need and lack.  I thank my mom today and everyday for this wonderful gift she has given me.  I will be able to pass this tradition on to my children with joy and an added memory of their grandmother.  We lost my mom earlier this year to Lung Cancer so we treasure all our memories of her. Below is a picture of my mom about 4 months after she was diagnosed.

I is for INTEGRATION

How important is INTEGRATION for a Gifted Mind?

In my opinion, there is not a strong enough word that I know to express how important I feel it is.  It is nearly as important as knowing you child's triggers and how to handle them.

I use INTEGRATION all the time, especially if my child is going some place new.

My first step is to see if there is a leader of the group, a teacher, parent, etc. and introduce my child to them.  I let them know that, yes, my child has... and may have an issue at some point.

Next I walk my child over to a group that maybe my child has expressed a desire to be a part of.  This is very rare for an Asperger's child like mine, but can happen; usually I have to ask do you want to play with (blank) and not mention the children (if any) that are around or playing with (blank).  I introduce my child to another child, if any, and ask for their name in return for my child, as most likely my child will not even acknowledge the presence of the other child.

The final step is to walk away and allow for whatever is to happen, happen.

That is the very basic and straight forward steps for any parent on INTEGRATING a child into a situation. However, there are steps that take place on a one on one basis before getting to that situation.

Depending on the age will depend on how much can be understood and how you approach the discussion, but you have to have a talk beforehand. I will use going to a new daycare as my example.  That talk could go something like this:

Parent: Mommy has to go to work tomorrow do you know what that means?
Child: No.
Parent: That means you get to go play with some new friends.  Mommy won't be there but there will be a nice lady named _____, who will be there to take care of you.

It is best to have some variant of this talk everyday for as long as is necessary for your child leading up to and the day of implementation.  If it is a daycare situation then see if you can take your child for an hour or so as like a play date while you are there giving your child the ability to get to know the place and adults that he/she will be around with the security of you there if there is a meltdown.  This will lesson the anxiety that some children have.

H is for HOME

This week I am going to use some possible cliche sayings and phrases to show how I want my Gifted Minded children, and every one else, to see my HOME.

HOME is where the heart is.

HOME can be a heaven on Earth.

There is no place like HOME.

HOME is where you hang your hat.

HOME sweet HOME.

Love at HOME.   

F is for FEAR

As a mother there is always some sort of FEAR that you have for your children, even if they are not Gifted. But as a mother you have to face some of your FEARS, if you don't you never know how far your children can grow.  Just like anything in life you have to pick your battles and the same can be said of FEAR.

If every parent given the news that their child will be considered a Gifted Mind gave into their FEAR, how many of those parents would no longer be parents?  And how much would they miss out on?  FEAR is a very nasty and tricky emotion, one should always be very careful when making a decision when FEAR is involved.

I distinctly remember when I was pregnant with both of my boys praying to God that they just be healthy.  I didn't care about anything else, I just wanted them to be healthy.  My FEAR was that they would have some sort of illness like diabetes, leukemia, etc. and I didn't think I could handle that.  I've known some people who would say that God cheated me, that have Bi-Polar, Asperger's, or any mental disorder is not healthy.  I don't care.  I wouldn't change a thing about my kids.  Yes, it is hard some days to be their mother, but it is so worth it.

A is for Appreciation

The Merriam-Webster dictionary defines APPRECIATION as this:

ap·pre·ci·a·tion

 noun \ə-ˌprē-shē-ˈā-shən, -ˌpri- also -ˌprē-sē-\

: a feeling of being grateful for something

: an ability to understand the worth, quality, or importance of something : an ability to appreciate something

: full awareness or understanding of something

    I would like to focus on the second definition and how it pertains to my oldest Gifted Minded son.

    As I have stated in my previous post, I have three boys with the oldest being 12 and the youngest only 3 months.  My oldest is really the only one that can truly grasp this word, its meaning, and then apply it to his life; thus more fully understanding what it means to appreciate something, whether he knows it or not.

    There are days when his diagnoses drive his life and days where he drives them.  It is never the same diagnoses piloting each day.  If he is being driven by his ADHD, he will be unfocused, fidgety, hyper, and all over the place.  If his BiPolar is the pilot, then you will see his behavior and mindset go from severe depression to the point of thoughts of suicide or you will see tiredness.  Lastly, the diagnoses that can also pilot him is Asperger’s.  With this one, you will see agitation to loud noises, solidarity, and severe hyper-focusing on one specific topic at a time.  It is a long process of teaching him how to drive the diagnoses.  On his good days he does very well.  With that being said I feel I can best explain how my son has learned APPRECIATION.

    In June of 2013, my mother lost her battle with lung cancer and passed away.  I had to tell this son of mine the news.  He was the closest of my three boys to my mom as I made sure that he (and I, and his brothers) spent as much time with her as I possibly could given the distance of travel required between our respective homes.  

    Even before he was diagnosed, she would give me words of encouragement and remind me he was a person with feelings.  My mother never treated him as though he were troubled or unruly. 

    When I first told him, he had the ‘normal’ response you would expect from a child and he cried.  The questions that followed were ones including:  “So, when can I visit her again?” and “Can I call her and talk to her?”

    So then, of course, you explain the no’s of it all and explain that the memories you have are how you get to visit.  You teach the value of your memories and then you use the word APPRECIATION in context by saying, “Every moment you get to spend with someone you love you create a memory of that person so if you lose them you gain an APPRECIATION of all the moments you spent with them and the life that they lived.”

I have a tile with vinyl lettering on it that sits in my living room for our guests to see and it says this:

Dealing With A Loving Heart

I am a mother of four children.  I want to talk about them individually for a moment so that our overall family structure becomes more clear.  That is my hope anyway. 

The oldest is my husband's daughter who is now 19 years old and is from his first marriage (which tests my loving heart at times).  She has been diagnosed with BiPolar Disorder and ADHD.  These diagnoses came at age eight.  Though my step-daughter no longer lives with us, we are still loving hearts.  This is not always an easy task, for far too many reasons to list.

My oldest son who is now 12 years old has received diagnoses for BiPolar Disorder, Autism Spectrum Disorder manifesting as Asperger’s Syndrome, and ADHD.  He was first diagnosed at age nine.  We have dealt with several issues from having to go into a behavioral hospital, to doing chores without a meltdown or deciding if we want to medicate the ADHD and risk the mood swings of the BiPolar to get out of control.

My second son is six years old and has received diagnoses for  Autism Spectrum Disorder manifesting as Asperger’s Syndrome, ADHD, a developmental delay as well as a mild retardation.  He was diagnosed at age three.  Right now we don't have too many issues with him, as he is the 'go with the flow' type of child.

My husband and I just adopted our youngest son who is now 3-months old.  He has no diagnoses at this time.  We love him like our own and are working with our older boys to accept and love him as well. This is a fairly easy task for them because we have talked about him since before he was born and he is just too cute not to love.

That is how our family looks on paper and believe me in person we can be VERY chaotic and scary to look at.

There are days when I really ask myself if I am strong enough to be the mother of my sons.  Some days I feel like a failure and wonder what I did wrong.  Was it something I did while I was pregnant, or maybe it was something I did not do?  Then I talk to my son’s counselor and she reminds me that I am not the only one struggling.  My boys struggle, too!  It is not easy for them, they want to be loved and to show me that they love me, but we all are lost as to how best to accomplish this.  I talk to my friends and they also remind me to look at the good days - the days when my boys want me to give them hugs and allow me to show them that I do, indeed, love them. 

More than once I have been asked how I do it?  How do I go each day with screams in the face because the six year old had to wash his hands, or be told "I HATE you!  I want to run away and die!" because the 12 year old was asked to empty the dishwasher.  The truth is, I don't know, I just do.  I put one foot in front of the other and cross one bridge at a time.  My husband and I stay closely involved with the teachers, counselors, PSR workers, and doctors that are on what I call, The Team.  Together we help each other help my boys.

It is not always an easy job of being a loving heart.  The good days certainly do outweigh the bad.  You need to have plenty of people around you to remind you of your own self-worth so that when those bad days do come around, and trust me, they will, you will have the strength to remember you have a loving heart.  On more than one occasion I have been told by others, "It takes a special kind of person to be a mother of a special needs child and the Lord must think you are even more special because you have two."  All in all I take one day, one meltdown at a time and stay active in the upbringing of my boys.

I love my gifted minds and love being a loving heart.  I just need to be reminded of whom and what I choose to love sometimes. 

Helping Your Extended Family Understand Your 'Special' Child

When my oldest was eighteen months old we were in a local super center doing some shopping.  An elderly couple was not far from us and could hear the tantrum my son was having.  At this point my husband and I did not know that he had Asperger’s Syndrome or bi-polar disorder.  

The couple hearing his tantrum said something to the effect of, “Oh, my gosh.  How can those parents just let him act that way?   It is no way for a four year old to act.  They need to just spank him.”  My oldest has always looked older than he is; he is ten now and stands five feet three inches tall.  I turned to the lady and said, “I heard every word you just said.  I find it beyond offensive that you think that my almost two year old should behave any different.  It is wrong of you to pass judgment on him when you don’t even know him.”  She was shocked that he was so young, even asked to see proof, and expressed that she felt ashamed.

This is just one example of the misunderstanding people have of children that they don’t take care of.  The Mayo Clinic describes it best like this; Asperger's syndrome can be a difficult, lonely disorder — both for affected children and their parents. The disorder brings difficulties socializing and communicating with your child. It may also mean fewer play dates and birthday invitations and more stares at the grocery store from people who don't understand that a child's meltdown is part of a disability, not the result of "bad parenting." (Staff, 2010)

I, myself, have seen this misunderstanding in my extended family as well.  My boys are two of four boys that are being treated for Asperger’s Syndrome.  Not all of the family has shown an interest in knowing how to interact or understand these children.  The Mayo Clinic has this to say about how you can help others help your child, Most children with Asperger's syndrome have no visible sign of disability, so you may need to alert coaches, relatives and other adults to your child's special needs. Otherwise, a well-meaning coach may spend time lecturing your child on "looking at me while I'm talking" — something that can be very difficult for a child with Asperger's syndrome. (Staff, 2010)

Most importantly is to always remember that you are the voice and advocate for your child.  The more you know about their special needs the better you are at teaching others to understand them.  For instance, most children when they see another child get hurt they ask if they are okay and then get help.  Not an Asperger’s child, that notion never enters their mind that there could be a problem or a need for an emergency.  I remember when my oldest was younger and we were at a family camp out, he was playing near the adults with his cousin and the cousin’s dog.  His cousin ended up wrapping the dog’s plastic coated wire lead around his neck.  My son had enough thought to put his fingers between the lead and his cousin’s neck but neither boy thought that this could be a bad idea.  There were adults that saw what was going on and were able to get to the boys before anyone got hurt but, the lecture that was given afterwards was lost on the boys and we really didn’t know why at the time.  Now we know that both boys have Asperger’s Syndrome.

I have learned to be more objective when it comes to kids I see at the grocery store, church, playground, etc.  One of those kids might have a hidden issue that I don’t know about.  Knowing what I know about how I felt when judgment was passed on my son, and knowing that he has hidden issues, the last thing I want is to be like that elderly lady in the super center all those years ago.  Sometimes it is not the parents fault.  Be kind and understanding, because let’s face it, we don’t always know the situation.

Staff, M. C. (2010, Nov 18). Asperger's Syndrome: Coping and Support. Retrieved from Mayo Clinic: http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/aspergers-syndrome/DS00551/DSECTION=coping-and-support

Our Recent Vacation

My youngest son, who has recently been diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome, and I just got back from a two week vacation to visit my mother. This was full of firsts for him. His first time being away from Daddy for more than a weekend, the first time being on a shuttle for four hours, and the first time flying in an airplane. I was so very nervous thinking about all the people he would be coming into contact with, being a very small space with lots of people and noise, how would he react?

He did really well, even when we missed our flight due to being held up at security and had to wait three hours for the next flight. I did learn that if I am to fly with him again I HAVE to have non stop flights. On our way home we had one stop to let some off and others on and he had a MAJOR meltdown. It got so bad that the captain got his attention and asked him to stop, told him, "that's not how we act on his plane". Now the captain's comments did offend one of the flight attendants, who apologized to me, but it really didn't bother me because it took my son off guard just enough for me to get him calmed down.

Going out in public

If you think that dealing with a young child with Asperger's at home is tough, try it in public!  So what do you don when your Gifted child has an episode?

I remember when my oldest was around two years old and we were shopping at Wal-Mart.  My boys have always been big for their age and he did look like he was five or six yet he was only two. He wanted a toy from the baby isle and I told him no. I didn't know at the time that he had Asperger's. There was an elderly couple in the baby section as well and the wife was offended by my sons tantrum, she even said "How can that mother allow her son to behave like that? She is a terrible mother." I was very angry at hearing this and I turned to the woman and as politely as I could said to her, "How else do you expect a 2 year old to act Ma'am?" She was embarrassed and mentioned that she didn't know he was so young. I replied with, "With all do respect, perhaps you shouldn't pass judgement when you don't know the circumstances."

A friend of mine shared with me what her sister does for her Autistic Gifted son. She carries around business cards that on one side say, 'We are sorry for the disturbance of our special needs child.' and on the back it says, 'For further information please feel free to call me at...' and lists her phone number. I love this idea as it allows a calm and rational way to explain why the Gifted Mind is having an issue (or issues) in public and prohibits making more of a scene than is already being made.

Going out in public with your Gifted Mind doesn't have to be a nightmare. Some days are better than others and I hope you can enjoy your Gifted Mind as much as I enjoy my two. Remember that it takes a Loving Heart to care for them.

Dealing with two

I have recently found out that BOTH my boys have Asperger's Syndrome. The oldest is 10 and the youngest is 4. It amazes me at how alike and different they are, and I don't just mean as siblings. They share the same diagnoses, but they prove to me everyday at just how different children can be in the same diagnoses. Now granted, they are 6 1/2 years apart, but my oldest functions at a higher scale on the Asperger's spectrum. I am grateful that I know what is going on in their heads and that I am reaching out to get them the help they need.