J is for JIGSAW

Some of my fondest memories of the Christmas and Winter time of the year are doing JIGSAWS with my mom.  We would clear one end of you huge dining room table and pull out a puzzle of at least 1,000 pieces, usually more.  My older brother and I would play a game with the pieces as the JIGSAW got closer to being finished.  We would take one piece and put it in our pocket so that when my mom would be ready to put that last piece in she would be frantic looking for it, and even go so far as to blame the cat for eating it.  We would then casually walk up and place the last piece in.

It became a tradition to work the JIGSAWS on cold days with a cup of hot cocoa for the kids and coffee for the adults.  My mom didn't know that these would be some of my fondest memories or that she was helping me to learn problem solving skills, fine motor skills, and logic.  Skills that would help me be able to connect to my children in a way that teaches them the same skills that I find enjoyable.  Too many toys today or even ways to learn, involve game systems or solidarity.  Working a JIGSAW is a way to interact with children and talk with them giving them the added socialization that many Aspergian and other Gifted Minds so desperately need and lack.  I thank my mom today and everyday for this wonderful gift she has given me.  I will be able to pass this tradition on to my children with joy and an added memory of their grandmother.  We lost my mom earlier this year to Lung Cancer so we treasure all our memories of her. Below is a picture of my mom about 4 months after she was diagnosed.

I is for INTEGRATION

How important is INTEGRATION for a Gifted Mind?

In my opinion, there is not a strong enough word that I know to express how important I feel it is.  It is nearly as important as knowing you child's triggers and how to handle them.

I use INTEGRATION all the time, especially if my child is going some place new.

My first step is to see if there is a leader of the group, a teacher, parent, etc. and introduce my child to them.  I let them know that, yes, my child has... and may have an issue at some point.

Next I walk my child over to a group that maybe my child has expressed a desire to be a part of.  This is very rare for an Asperger's child like mine, but can happen; usually I have to ask do you want to play with (blank) and not mention the children (if any) that are around or playing with (blank).  I introduce my child to another child, if any, and ask for their name in return for my child, as most likely my child will not even acknowledge the presence of the other child.

The final step is to walk away and allow for whatever is to happen, happen.

That is the very basic and straight forward steps for any parent on INTEGRATING a child into a situation. However, there are steps that take place on a one on one basis before getting to that situation.

Depending on the age will depend on how much can be understood and how you approach the discussion, but you have to have a talk beforehand. I will use going to a new daycare as my example.  That talk could go something like this:

Parent: Mommy has to go to work tomorrow do you know what that means?
Child: No.
Parent: That means you get to go play with some new friends.  Mommy won't be there but there will be a nice lady named _____, who will be there to take care of you.

It is best to have some variant of this talk everyday for as long as is necessary for your child leading up to and the day of implementation.  If it is a daycare situation then see if you can take your child for an hour or so as like a play date while you are there giving your child the ability to get to know the place and adults that he/she will be around with the security of you there if there is a meltdown.  This will lesson the anxiety that some children have.

H is for HOME

This week I am going to use some possible cliche sayings and phrases to show how I want my Gifted Minded children, and every one else, to see my HOME.

HOME is where the heart is.

HOME can be a heaven on Earth.

There is no place like HOME.

HOME is where you hang your hat.

HOME sweet HOME.

Love at HOME.   

G is for GOD

If someone were to ask me, "Can your boys understand and believe in GOD?"  Not only would I say yes but my personality would counter that question with this one, "Can you or your children understand and believe in GOD?"

Understanding, believing, or even teaching a Gifted Mind of GOD is possible.  For those families, like mine, it is essential.  Do my boys grasp the understanding right away and with the other children their age?  No, but sometime the concepts that are being taught at church they grasp before the other children in their age group, like any other child.

My boys need to have GOD in their life, not just because their dad and I say they do, or because the church leaders say they do, but because it gives them joy and strength to know that they have someone else on their side who loves them.

F is for FEAR

As a mother there is always some sort of FEAR that you have for your children, even if they are not Gifted. But as a mother you have to face some of your FEARS, if you don't you never know how far your children can grow.  Just like anything in life you have to pick your battles and the same can be said of FEAR.

If every parent given the news that their child will be considered a Gifted Mind gave into their FEAR, how many of those parents would no longer be parents?  And how much would they miss out on?  FEAR is a very nasty and tricky emotion, one should always be very careful when making a decision when FEAR is involved.

I distinctly remember when I was pregnant with both of my boys praying to God that they just be healthy.  I didn't care about anything else, I just wanted them to be healthy.  My FEAR was that they would have some sort of illness like diabetes, leukemia, etc. and I didn't think I could handle that.  I've known some people who would say that God cheated me, that have Bi-Polar, Asperger's, or any mental disorder is not healthy.  I don't care.  I wouldn't change a thing about my kids.  Yes, it is hard some days to be their mother, but it is so worth it.

E is for EXCELLENCE

Have you ever been around a Gifted Mind and listened to them talk?  Day in and day out I listen to two very different boys, who are on very drastic ends of a spectrum (sometimes I don't even know if they are on the same planet, let alone know what spectrum they are on.) And I attentively listen to a brilliance in EXCELLENCE.

One day about four years ago my son came to my husband and I and asks, "Do you know the difference between gasoline, diesel, and jet fuel?"  I just knew that I was out of my league with a question like that and silently prayed that my husband had the answer.  I was good at science but I don't ever remember learning that.

My husband looks at our son and says, "Do you?"  "Yup!  The difference is the rate at which they burn."
And he continues on to complete the list of differences, he was 8 at the time and was not allowed to use a computer without an adult with him so he hadn't Googled it. I was floored and I knew then and there, before too long, my knowledge would be dwarfed by his.

I stay in weekly contact with his teachers at school and I am always told about his academic EXCELLENCE.  But it isn't just in academics that I hear about him.  I hear it about his attitude, how he shows he cares about someone or something, in politeness, and actions.

EXCELLENCE can be found in may ways we just need to take the time and look for them.  Enjoy our children and marvel at the EXCELLENCE of their minds, even if those minds don't fit into this blogs definition of gifted.

D is for DREAM

DREAM

DREAM big, DREAM small.

It doesn't matter, just DREAM them all.

Your eyes smile as you talk your special talk,

and I know your DREAM will one day walk.

While your Mind is Gifted, 

no one knows if it can ever be shifted.

Please always know there are Hearts that Love you.

My DREAM for you no matter big or small,

is that your DREAM comes true.

C is for COURAGEOUS

I recently asked my oldest son what he thought COURAGEOUS meant, this was his response, "Being full of COURAGE."  Knowing that I wanted more he said, "If I were to explain it to my younger brother I would explain it by actions and jump into a pool of sharks."

This was not completely what I was looking for but it gives you an idea of how a Gifted Mind works.  Fundamentally speaking, lead/teach by example.  Be COURAGEOUS, and jump into your own pool of sharks.  You never know what your Loving Heart will learn or what you will teach a Gifted Mind.

COURAGE comes in many forms and is used in many ways.  It takes COURAGE to be a parent of any child.

B is for BELIEF

    For many people, BELIEF is a central (if not the central) idea for their family.  It is the core foundation in how the family operates and functions.  This is so true in our family.  What is BELIEF and how does it apply to a Gifted Mind?

    The dictionary defines it as such:

be·lief

noun\bə-ˈlēf\

     : a feeling of being sure that someone or something exists or that something is true

    : a feeling that something is good, right, or valuable

      : a feeling of trust in the worth or ability of someone

    It doesn't matter if you are a religious person or if you just have a loving family, BELIEF should be something of a fundamental lesson for our children, especially a Gifted Mind.  Our children have to see that we as Loving Hearts have a BELIEF in all that we do.

    Our BELIEF can be as simple as just believing in our children.  BELIEF is BELIEF.

A is for Appreciation

The Merriam-Webster dictionary defines APPRECIATION as this:

ap·pre·ci·a·tion

 noun \ə-ˌprē-shē-ˈā-shən, -ˌpri- also -ˌprē-sē-\

: a feeling of being grateful for something

: an ability to understand the worth, quality, or importance of something : an ability to appreciate something

: full awareness or understanding of something

    I would like to focus on the second definition and how it pertains to my oldest Gifted Minded son.

    As I have stated in my previous post, I have three boys with the oldest being 12 and the youngest only 3 months.  My oldest is really the only one that can truly grasp this word, its meaning, and then apply it to his life; thus more fully understanding what it means to appreciate something, whether he knows it or not.

    There are days when his diagnoses drive his life and days where he drives them.  It is never the same diagnoses piloting each day.  If he is being driven by his ADHD, he will be unfocused, fidgety, hyper, and all over the place.  If his BiPolar is the pilot, then you will see his behavior and mindset go from severe depression to the point of thoughts of suicide or you will see tiredness.  Lastly, the diagnoses that can also pilot him is Asperger’s.  With this one, you will see agitation to loud noises, solidarity, and severe hyper-focusing on one specific topic at a time.  It is a long process of teaching him how to drive the diagnoses.  On his good days he does very well.  With that being said I feel I can best explain how my son has learned APPRECIATION.

    In June of 2013, my mother lost her battle with lung cancer and passed away.  I had to tell this son of mine the news.  He was the closest of my three boys to my mom as I made sure that he (and I, and his brothers) spent as much time with her as I possibly could given the distance of travel required between our respective homes.  

    Even before he was diagnosed, she would give me words of encouragement and remind me he was a person with feelings.  My mother never treated him as though he were troubled or unruly. 

    When I first told him, he had the ‘normal’ response you would expect from a child and he cried.  The questions that followed were ones including:  “So, when can I visit her again?” and “Can I call her and talk to her?”

    So then, of course, you explain the no’s of it all and explain that the memories you have are how you get to visit.  You teach the value of your memories and then you use the word APPRECIATION in context by saying, “Every moment you get to spend with someone you love you create a memory of that person so if you lose them you gain an APPRECIATION of all the moments you spent with them and the life that they lived.”

I have a tile with vinyl lettering on it that sits in my living room for our guests to see and it says this:

Dealing With A Loving Heart

I am a mother of four children.  I want to talk about them individually for a moment so that our overall family structure becomes more clear.  That is my hope anyway. 

The oldest is my husband's daughter who is now 19 years old and is from his first marriage (which tests my loving heart at times).  She has been diagnosed with BiPolar Disorder and ADHD.  These diagnoses came at age eight.  Though my step-daughter no longer lives with us, we are still loving hearts.  This is not always an easy task, for far too many reasons to list.

My oldest son who is now 12 years old has received diagnoses for BiPolar Disorder, Autism Spectrum Disorder manifesting as Asperger’s Syndrome, and ADHD.  He was first diagnosed at age nine.  We have dealt with several issues from having to go into a behavioral hospital, to doing chores without a meltdown or deciding if we want to medicate the ADHD and risk the mood swings of the BiPolar to get out of control.

My second son is six years old and has received diagnoses for  Autism Spectrum Disorder manifesting as Asperger’s Syndrome, ADHD, a developmental delay as well as a mild retardation.  He was diagnosed at age three.  Right now we don't have too many issues with him, as he is the 'go with the flow' type of child.

My husband and I just adopted our youngest son who is now 3-months old.  He has no diagnoses at this time.  We love him like our own and are working with our older boys to accept and love him as well. This is a fairly easy task for them because we have talked about him since before he was born and he is just too cute not to love.

That is how our family looks on paper and believe me in person we can be VERY chaotic and scary to look at.

There are days when I really ask myself if I am strong enough to be the mother of my sons.  Some days I feel like a failure and wonder what I did wrong.  Was it something I did while I was pregnant, or maybe it was something I did not do?  Then I talk to my son’s counselor and she reminds me that I am not the only one struggling.  My boys struggle, too!  It is not easy for them, they want to be loved and to show me that they love me, but we all are lost as to how best to accomplish this.  I talk to my friends and they also remind me to look at the good days - the days when my boys want me to give them hugs and allow me to show them that I do, indeed, love them. 

More than once I have been asked how I do it?  How do I go each day with screams in the face because the six year old had to wash his hands, or be told "I HATE you!  I want to run away and die!" because the 12 year old was asked to empty the dishwasher.  The truth is, I don't know, I just do.  I put one foot in front of the other and cross one bridge at a time.  My husband and I stay closely involved with the teachers, counselors, PSR workers, and doctors that are on what I call, The Team.  Together we help each other help my boys.

It is not always an easy job of being a loving heart.  The good days certainly do outweigh the bad.  You need to have plenty of people around you to remind you of your own self-worth so that when those bad days do come around, and trust me, they will, you will have the strength to remember you have a loving heart.  On more than one occasion I have been told by others, "It takes a special kind of person to be a mother of a special needs child and the Lord must think you are even more special because you have two."  All in all I take one day, one meltdown at a time and stay active in the upbringing of my boys.

I love my gifted minds and love being a loving heart.  I just need to be reminded of whom and what I choose to love sometimes.